Theseus

Hey! This is a trolley problem game of sorts, based on the moral/ethical dilemmas found in the story of the Minotaur and Theseus, in accordance with Appolodorus - The Library, and Epitome, translated by Sir James George Frazer. A copy of this can be found on the website Perseus. You might switch perspectives sometimes; that's because there's so many questionable choices in the myths from so many different people! There are wrong and right answers that you need to continue the story. Let's get into it! Adult themes are obviously present, as it's a Greek myth. You can start from [[Crete]] or [[Athens]], but the paths will converge eventually :)

Congratulations Minos! You've just become the King of Crete, but the people don't really support you. They think you're not appointed by the gods, just because they haven't sent a sign. You could pray to your father, Zeus, historically known for his benevolence and generosity and good parenting. Or you could pray to Poseidon. You know, being an island nation and all. Do you [[pray to Poseidon]] or [[pray to Zeus]]

Poseidon's a pretty chill guy, and he's flattered that you've decided to pray to him. Since you're on an island and all (in his domain), he decides to send you a white bull, with the condition that you sacrifice it to him. BUT CONSIDER!!!! It's a really cool bull. So do you: [[sacrifice it]] or [[keep it and sacrifice a cow from your herds]]

Zeus, the king of the gods, looks down upon you, a mortal, who wishes to be a king. So in his infinite wisdom, he says, "If you really are a king, with divine recognition, you can survive anything", and strikes you with a bolt of lightning. See, the thing is, us humans aren't built to survive 300 million volts of electricity coursing through our body. So, unfortunately, you die. ''The correct option was to [[pray to Poseidon]]!!!!''

Hooray!!! Poseidon is appeased, and you've been given a sign!!! Nothing can go wrong now! Except...the people find it kinda weird that a god would just create an animal then tell someone to sacrifice it. Like, why go to the trouble of making a bull if you're just gonna get someone to give it to you? So then, the people all band together, sit you down at a chair, and force you to sign a contract, which basically entails what you are/are not above in terms of the law. It's their magnum opus, their Magna Carta, if you will. So, you're cursed to live out the rest of the days, serving the people, which is not what a king should be doing, right? You eventually exile yourself in shame, and die of hunger in the wilderness. The correct choice was to [[keep it and sacrifice a cow from your herds]]

You sacrifice a random cow, and keep the white bull in your herds. The people are overjoyed!!!!! Sure, you might have lied to Poseidon, but all's well that ends well!! Living on an island, I'm sure there's nothing that the god of the sea could do to you! Right???? [[Poseidon's Wrath]]

You're now Poseidon, God of the Sea. You've been conned. Tricked. Bamboozled, if you will. By a mere mortal, no less. Now, you could be the bigger person and just let it go, understanding that the mortal is in a very precarious situation. Or you could be really really petty and vengeful, and punish him. Do you [[let him off]] or [[punish him]]

Congratulations!!! You've proven your maturity and nobility, by taking pity upon a mortal! After all, they're like flies to you. Nobody will remember this!!! Apart from the other gods. They mock you. Shun you. You're the butt of all jokes at parties now. You're forced to live at the bottom of the ocean until this all dies down, which, for gods, takes a very long time. But hey, at least you've got the moral high ground, because that's worth so much in ancient Greece! The correct answer was to [[punish him]]

Oh boy. You're gonna absolutely destroy his life. You could kill him. Flood his island. Kidnap his people. But where's the fun in that? So, like the great, noble, wise, civilised god you are, you decide to curse his wife, Pasiphaë, to fall in love with the bull. Yep. That'll show them. Congratulations! Your honour has been upheld. The other gods congratulate you on your quick thinking. You sit back, and observe, as your plan unfolds. [[The look of love, the rush of blood]]

You're now Pasiphaë, the wife of the King of Crete, Minos. And that bull is looking mighty fine. You wanna bag that bovine baddie, but you need to consider your marriage to King Minos. Also, you're not a cow. So do you [[try to look like a cow]], or [[remain faithful to Minos]]

Yeah, one small problem. Humans and cows are not the same shape. So, you decide to go to Minos' inventor and architect, Daedelus. You commission him to make you a cow suit. It looks lovely. That bovine baddie will be all over you. You thank Daedalus, suit up, and head to the fields. [NARRATOR: I'M NOT GONNA SAY WHAT HAPPENS NEXT, BUT YOU CAN PROBABLY INFER.] [[The Minotaur]]

Yippee!!!! You stuck to your marriage vows and stayed by your husband!!! Such a faithful wife.... Yeah but Poseidon isn't too happy that his punishment didn't work out. So he just floods the entire island. You try to stay afloat, but Minos can't swim, and you eventually sink, dying in your lover's arms. The correct (but not necessarily ethical) option was to [[try to look like a cow]]

9 months later, you give birth. You managed to convince Minos during the pregnancy that it was his, but when you see it, it's obviously not his. Minos doesn't have the head of a bull, after all. This strange baby with the head of a bull is named Asterion, after Minos' foster-father, and you think it appeases him? After all, instead of killing it, he decides to imprison it in a giant labyrinth, never to see the light of day. So, you know, there's a silver lining!!!!! Anyway, congratulations! You secured that bovine baddie of a bull, that taurine tough-guy, that matador-mauling machoman. So all's well that ends well!!!!! [[Back to Minos]]

So, you're Minos again. WHAT THE F-udgeknuckles (I'm not sure if I'm allowed to swear) WHY DID YOUR WIFE CHEAT ON YOU??? YOU'RE PERFECT??? And it was with a bull BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT HERE!!! But when you look into Asterion's eyes, you think about how your father adopted you. About how his kindness made you a king. But it's really really ugly. So do you [[kill it to save face]] or [[adopt it]]

You unsheathe your sword, and raise it over the child. Then, the sky rumbles. Zeus himself appears before you. "To kill a child is the ultimate sin", he rumbles. Yeah, because Zeus is all-knowing and wise and would never kill a child or condemn them to a horrible fate (cough cough Herakles). Zeus isn't too happy that you brought that up, and he smites you with his thunderbolt. You die, seared, as Zeus takes Asterion into his arms, and intones, "I shall train you myself." 18 years later, a mysterious figure with a bull-shaped head, dressed as a bat, appears. Sworn to defend the island of Crete, he names himself Batbull. You have failed as a king and a father, and somehow Zeus is a better father than you, which is even worse. This sucks. The correct option was to [[adopt it]]

You feel...disgust? Love? It's so ugly, and yet... You feel a strange surge of...something. Curiosity, perhaps. But it can't live with you. The embarrassment, the humilation, would be too much. You must hide it. So, you hit up your old pal, Daedalus. He has the bright idea to construct a labyrinth of sorts, a maze to trap the Minotaur in. Wait, but aren't labyrinths and mazes fundamentally different? You ask him this, but he hits you with the, "Who's the inventor here," and you feel humbled. You skulk off, but hey, at least you aren't burdened with a monster!!! Now, the last problem is how to feed it, but you can figure that out later.... [[The war.]]

Ouch, I feel bad for you, Aegeus. You're...sterile. And you don't know why. You decide to go to the Oracle of Delphi, who answers your pleas with the wonderful prophecy, "The bulging mouth of the wineskin, O best of men, Loose not until thou hast reached the height of Athens." What does that even mean????? Oh boy, she irks you so much. That Pythia has no knowledge of your plight. She doesn't even know what she's talking about. You've had a long day, and you're tired and angry, and feeling very unreasonable. On the other hand, maybe you could seek advice from others. So do you [[do something rash]] or [[go ask a friend]]

Oh brother. Not the wisest decision you've ever made. You unsheathe your sword and start defacing the temple. Then, music plays, and the Sun flares. Apollo descends in a glorious chariot, to the tune of "Here Comes the Sun" by the Beatles. "How dare you disrespect my Oracle", he intones (with autotune, for some reason). He then chants something, something that sounds like a string of characters...like "https://open.spotify.com/track/5ygDXis42ncn6kYG14lEVG?si=a2bc2eb8de7c43a5" A horrible tune starts playing in your head, looping, over, and over, and over. "Baby shark doo doo doo doo...." You scream in agony as the sound crushes your psyche, tearing into your soul, and you're driven mad and kept as Apollo's jester. So, yeah, perhaps not the best decision???? The correct decision was to [[go ask a friend]]

You decide to travel to Troezen, where you convene with your good friend Pittheus, the son of Pelops. And when you tell him the prophecy, his eyes glimmer with understanding. But instead of telling you the answer like a good boy, he just pours you more wine, inviting you to converse with him and his daughter, Aethra. You fall for her more and more as the drinks flow down your throat. After a few more (or a hundred more), Aethra leads you into her room, and you two get busy. And this time, you think that your sterility is gone. NARRATOR'S NOTE: THIS IS RAPE, YOU CANNOT GIVE CONSENT IF YOU ARE UNDER THE INFLUENCE. PLEASE DRINK SAFELY, AND NEVER GO WITH SOMEONE YOU DON'T KNOW. You leave in the morning, but not before you leave some requests for Aethra. [[Aethra's questionable acts]]

Aethra, daughter of Pittheus. What a woman. Aethra waves farewell to you after a very intense night. Except it wasn't just with you. Poseidon also came that night. Lovely values the Greeks had, amiright? Before you left, you left a sword and some sandals under a boulder. You then requested that if she gave birth to a son, when he could roll the boulder, to send him to Athens. 9 months later, she does indeed give birth to a boy named Theseus, but she's not quite sure who's the father... ANYWAYS THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT, WHAT EVEN ARE RELATIONSHIP VALUES IN ANCIENT GREECE??? Once Theseus is of age, he rolls away the boulder and she just...let your(????) teenage son walk the entire way to Athens. Alone. Great parenting!!!!! I'm sure nothing bad will happen.... [[The journey of Theseus]]

Sit down, now. You aren't anybody. I'M IMPORTANT HERE MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! It's my time to shine... So when Aegeus returns home, he decides to celebrate the Panathenian festival, in which Minos' son, Androgeus, absolutely destroys all the competitors. So, like the amazing Greek patriot he is, he decides to send out our old friend (unless you're from Crete 🙄), the bull of Marathon, which absolutely mauls him. What a bum. You know, it's really funny that both the son and the father were beaten in some way by a bull, but I digress. Word of this reaches Minos, who decides to start a war. Yeah, that's kinda justified.... [[The pleas of Minos]]

You're now Theseus, the son of Aethra and Poseidon/Aegeus. Man, these multiple parents are confusing. This is why marriage counselling + those stupid game shows were invented. The road ahead looks treacherous, full of bandits and villains and evil-doers alike. Going past them and defeating them would make you a hero. On the other hand, you could cut cross country, have a nice hike, be like that group of short guys with hairy feet who travelled across the land to deposit a really nice piece of jewellery in a volcano. So do you [[go cross country]] or [[go on the road]]

You veer straight off the road, and start hiking up the foothills and mountains and twists and turns of the countryside of Ancient Greece. You hike and hike and hike, then you realise you're lost. Yeah see, for some reason, ancient Greece didn't have Google Maps or a GPS. So uncivilised, I know. Anyway, as you stumble around the wilderness, a lion ambushes you from behind. A sword isn't much use when you're on uneven footing and there's a lot of bushes around you. You die a horrible, and quite frankly, embarrassing, death. The correct option was to [[go on the road]]

As you travel on the road, you encounter 6 people, one after the other. They're bandits, terrorising you. It's like the 7 dwarfs if they were evil and one died, or Ramona Flowers' Seven Evil Exes from Scott Pilgrim vs the World/Takes Off, if she was fully straight. The first is [[Periphetes]]

Periphetes, son of Hephaestus and Anticlia, likes beating and robbing his victims with a club. So you defeat him and subsequetly rob him of his club. Punishment befitting the crime and all. You move on, and then soon the next evil ex - my bad, villain, appears His name is [[Sinis]]

Sinis is the son of Polypemon and Sylea, daughter of Corinthus (how does he have 3 parents...oh wait, so do you). He has(well, had) this nasty habit of tying his victims to bent trees then letting the trees go, effectively launching them. So you do the same to him. Look at you, the protector of the innocent, the hammer of justice. You're totally not a sadist. The next is a sow called [[Phaea]]

You literally kill it. That's it. What a nice guy you are. Then we have [[Schiron]]!!!

This guy called Sciron, son of Poseidon, has really smelly feet. He'd get people to smell/clean them, and then kick them into his giant turtle's mouth in the sea. Yeah. He has a giant turtle. So you...guess what? You also throw him into the sea. Such eloquence. Such brilliant thinking. Such creative solutions. You continue onwards, to the 5th dwarf - sorry, bandit, named [[Cercyron]]

Cercyon was a guy who'd wrestle with his victims and crush them to death. So, you challenge him, and then, against the conventional rules of wrestling, you deliver a massive suplex. What sportsmanship. I can see that you're meant to be a hero. Your final victim - I meant villain, is [[Damastes, or Polypemon]]

Damastes, or Polypemon, had a very roundabout way of killing people. He had two beds, a fun sized and a jumbo sized and offered his victims a chance to rest. He'd stretch out the short ones on the jumbo sized and hammer them, and he'd get the tall ones on the fun sized and cut their body parts off. How lovely. Anyway, this method is too gruesome for you to do, so you just kill him. Wow. I didn't expect that. I thought you would've done something as bad as him, but I guess all morally-grey heroes have a line they won't cross. Time to [[go to Athens]]

Congratulations!!! You've made it to Athens, and nothing can stop you now!!! Time to take off your sandals, relax, and play a nice game of catch with one of your fathers when you meet him!!! That is, unless something had happened in the past 9 years..... But, as always, that'll be your decision... [[The war.]]

You are now Zeus, the king of the Gods. Your son Minos has attacked Athens, not unjustly. Except...he's not really winning. So, in this case, he decides to pray to you. Kinda lame, I can't lie. What a bum. He can't even take a city... On the other hand, he is your son... So, what do you do? Do you [[help him]] or [[abandon him]]?

You decide to help him. Good choice! Now the other gods can't call you a bad father, given they ignore your sheer amount of bastard children. You decide to send a plague to Athens. And Athens crumbles from within. The other gods praise you for your totally unbiased and wise decision. Sure, Athena might not be talking to you anymore, but your son is happy!!! And for once you're helpful!!! You strut around Olympus with pride, well deserved pride at that. Good job!!!! [[The Oracle]]

Minos curses you, as his army fails against the forces of Athens. The Olympians look at you in disgust, as if they didn't expect this. Yeah, given your great track record as a father, how could they? They whisper. Spread rumours. And it reaches the ears of humans. You can no longer find an innocent girl to traumatise, a woman to violate, a partner to cheat on. You're forced to remain faithful to Hera, your wife. How utterly disgraceful. Honouring your marriage vows. And nobody wants anything to do with you. 9 years later, Theseus arrives at Athens, and is welcomed by his father with open arms. The correct option was to [[help him]]

You're now Aegeus. Your city has been beseiged by an illness, and there's no way to recover from it. It's a shame Medicare didn't exist in ancient Greece. So many people are dying. So many. You could go down fighting, in your final stand, like my glorious king Gojo Satoru. Or you could seek advice from the Oracle, who has given....advice of an uncertain calibre to you in the past. What will it be, Aegeus? Your city will fall soon. Metaphorically, not physically. Although, you could argue physically, as the buildings will likely be destroyed when Minos finally conquers it. Unless, you define falling as moving from a higher level to a lower level, but as buildings actually have levels, technically they can't- But I digress. Do you [[go to the Oracle]] or [[make your last stand]]?

The Oracle of Delphi actually gives some straightforward advice. Is it wise??? Well, it has to be, coming from an Oracle. However, wise and stupid are not necessarily mutually exclusive. It's quite an....unorthodox solution. You return to Athens, and propose a truce with Minos. As the Oracle instructed you, ask Minos what he wants in return. [[Minos' decision]]

You run to the armoury. Your soldiers run with you. They swore an oath, and they will uphold it till their death. That is, apart from the ones that already ran away. That's unfortunate. You and your forces, all 10 men, suit up, and prepare to face Minos. Who, in classic royal fashion, has decided to wait until his soldiers are in to safely enter the city. Yep. How lovely. You and your men are surrounded by the Cretan army, and gracefully meet your end. Except, you make a giant wooden horse as a gift to the Cretan army for defeating you. Minos forces you to watch as it's wheeled out, and he gloats about his amazing victory. Unbeknownst to him, it's filled to the brim with some of the infected Athenians. When he gets close to it, the horse opens up, and the Athenians rush at the army, coughing, spitting, bleeding on them, transferring the illness. You may have lost the war, but Minos and his army paid for their crimes. You die, infected, surrounded by your men who protect you even in death, their last act of fealty towards their king. Only problem is, you've broken a few regulations of the Geneva Conventions and probably committed some war crimes, so your soul is sent to the Fields of Punishment for torture. You're chased around by 100 tiny wooden horses for all eternity. 9 years later, Theseus arrives at Athens, and is welcomed by an empty abyss of a city. The correct option was to [[go to the Oracle]]

Nine years later, you, Theseus, arrive at Athens. You meet with your father, and sure, he tries to kill you with the bull of Marathon then poison you, but that was all Medea's fault (gods almighty, you wished Jason had kept her, he can suffer so you can prosper), and once you showed him your sword, you two were a-okay! You spend a lovely day having a chat, playing some video games, reading manga, and generally just mucking around. A herald arrives the next day. For some reason, he's looking for 7 young men and 7 young women to undertake a test of courage. Of sacrifice. Oh, and you'll be eaten. Now, you could just ignore it and go on with your day. It doesn't affect you, after all. Or, you could join the the 14 youths, and journey to Crete to try and stop this cycle of hate. Do you [[volunteer]] or [[ignore the herald]]

Hmmmm.... To appease the death of your son, you can inflict a condition... There are 2 ways you could go about this. Asterion still needs food, so you could ask for sacrifices. But what's the hunger of your other son got to do with this???? Alternatively, you could fulfil your blood feud, and take Aegeus as your slave, which would be much more satisfying. Do you [[request a sacrifice]] or [[kill Aegeus]]

Asterion is a growing boy??? bull??? Let's call him a Minotaur, because he's your half-son, but also a bull. Anyway, sheep aren't gonna cut it. He needs live meat, and some action. He is a teenage minotaur after all, with all that testosterone pumping in his veins. Actually, I'm not sure if he has testosterone or if his hormones work as usual, since he is a biological miracle.... Ah well. That can wait. Going on, you decide to humiliate Aegeus further. You request Aegeus to send 7 young men and 7 young women to Crete every few years, which sates your son's bloodthirst. He's still technically not your son. Just saying. You're content. You got your revenge, your son has been avenged. And best of all, you don't have to waste your citizen's taxpayer money on food for Asterion!!! Actually, maybe it's a bad thing you can't waste taxpayer money anymore...that's part of the fun of being in power... I digress. Some years later in Athens.... [[The arrival of Theseus]]

Yeah, maybe not the smartest idea.... As soon as you kill him and walk out, Athena descends from the sky. She's kinda mad that you murdered the king of her patron city, and Zeus can't stop his relatively adolescent daughter in her fits of rage. Since you want blood so much, she devises a totally original punishment in which whatever you touch turns to blood. You can't do anything. You can't hold your wife (the cheating one, yes) or your son (well, half-son). Hey, actually, maybe it's not so bad. Oh wait. You forgot you needed to eat. Erm.... Yeah, you end up dying of thirst. 9 years later, Theseus arrives at Athens, with dried blood covering every surface. He is alone. The correct option was to [[request a sacrifice]]

"I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE", you scream. Your father protests, but you already proclaimed your willingness. You start to prepare for the journey. You'll be provided room and board, so no need to pack provisions. Just clothes. No weapons are allowed inside the labyrinth either... As you turn to depart, your father asks you to, upon your return, spread white sails on your ship if you survive. You agree, and turn to leave, with 13 other small children with you. [[Back to Crete]]

Well, congratulations. Your sense of self preservation triumphed over your heroic nature. I hope you're proud of yourself. Except....Crete keeps requesting more and more youths more frequently. Asterion is getting hungry. This continues until the last group of people are sent. Including you. Now all of Athens is empty. Your cowardice has cost Athens its people. Great job!!!! The correct option was to [[volunteer]]

You are now Ariadne, the daughter of Minos. The new batch of sacrifices has just arrived, and there's a guy with a banging body there. Apparently his name is Theseus??? You immediately take a liking to him, not just because of his body, of course. He's just so strong, and strong, and strong, and strong........ Quite the materialistic person, aren't you. You want him to win, but there's no way he could survive against the Minotaur....without help, that is. You are, however, the princess of Crete. Do you want to betray your father??? A difficult choice lies ahead. Do you [[help the guy with the banging body]] or [[stay true to your old man]]

Later, you meet with Theseus. You offer you his help, in exchange for him taking you with him when he leaves, and to be your husband. He agrees. Very quickly. It must be your looks. Few men can resist them. You rush to Daedalus, who built the labyrinth, and would never do anything that would harm the royal family (cough Pasiphaë cough). And you coerce the old inventor to give you the way out of the labyrinth. [[Into the labyrinth]]

You watch as Theseus walks into the labyrinth. He never comes out. You end up engaged to an old fart of a king for a political marriage. The rest of your days are filled with dull board games and a very flabby old husband. All because you wouldn't go for that absolute unit. The correct option was to [[help the guy with the banging body]]

Welcome back, Theseus Ariadne hands you a ball of thread, just before you head in, and mutters something about tying. At first, you decide to make a nice sweater with it. Maybe it'll protect you...and knitting is basically tying over and over again... Wait never mind. You're stupid. It's most definitely NOT that. You tie it to the door behind you, and thus you now have a way out of the labyrinth. You inform the children to stay behind, and move on. You go on, and on, and on. Until you reach [[the Minotaur]]

The Minotaur looks at you. He asks, "To whom do I owe the immense pleasure of devouring to sate my hunger?" and you're taken aback. He seems so...civilised. Maybe...just maybe...he would listen to reason. On the other hand, he did kill people. What kind of monster kills people??? So barbaric.... Do you [[kill him]] or [[reason with him]]?

You refuse to answer him, rushing forward, in a boxing stance. Like in those old kung-fu movies, you start hitting him, Ip Man-style, and pummel him, over and over and over. Way to demonstrate your civility. Eventually, you stand victorious, your hands covered in blood. You walk over the Minotaur's corpse, follow the the thread back to the entrance, and leave the maze with the children. You grab Ariadne, and return to the ship, sailing away to Naxos. You now have a wife!!! Unless.... [[An unexpected event]]

Your civilised nature proves victorious over your violent instincts. You calmly ask, "Good sir, can we not negotiate? Is there such a need to resort to our beastly nature?" He considers, and then promptly replies, "Ok, but I'm hungry." Reasonable. Valid. He rushes at you, and you're stunned, amazed that your brilliant plan failed. You're impaled by his horns, and die. A horrible death, thanks to a horrible plan. The correct option was to [[kill him]]

You, Ariadne and the children arrive at the island Naxos. A small camp is made, and you and Ariadne sneak away for some private time. Once you two are alone, she turns and smiles and- A blinding light appears. The smell of grapes and wine appears. And the god of wine descends. He's taken a fancy to Ariadne, who would never leave you for- Oh. He's not asking. He just takes her. And you're left all alone, to return to Athens. [[The journey home]]

There's nothing you can do against a god. You ready the ship, and prepare to set sail. The black sails flutter in the wind, the ocean waves. Is there anything left??? [[Yes]] or [[No]]

Oh yes! That's right!!! The white sails!!! You hoist them up so your father knows you returned, alive. When you arrive at Athens, a great feast is prepared. You live with your father happily to the end of his/your days. Congratulations! You got the good ending!!! Yeah, see, that doesn't actually happen in the myth...Theseus just...forgets... He definitely did forget... So the answer was [[No]].

Well, it turns out you did. You didn't raise the white sails.... Your father thinks you dead, and jumps off a cliff and dies. By right of birth, the throne of Athens is yours. But not if the sons of Pallas, or your enemies, have anything to say about it. So you kill them all. Turns out they didn't have much to say about it. And now the entire government is yours. What a wonderful way to usher in a new era as king. I'm sure everyone will remember your glorious debut as peaceful and lovely. Congratulations!!! While you may not have gotten a good ending, you achieved the true ending.... That's actually what happens in the myth, your reign starts with a bloodbath. How heroic. Good job! You made it to the end! And I'm sure you won't make any more morally questionable decisions in the future!!!! Back to the [[Introduction]]